Category Archives: Communication

Seminar in Mainz: Essentials of Transformational Coaching

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Recommended! On January, 19th-21st 2018, Karine Audeguy (France) and Pernille Plantener (Denmark) offer a Seminar on Transformational Coaching in Mainz, about 20 minutes from Frankfurt Airport. The seminar is suitable for those who want to start a coaching business as well as for those who have already learnt a different coaching techniques and want to widen their spectrum of tools or learn new perspectives helpful in coaching. The methods you learn can be implemented into your consultation or coaching practise right away. Also, there is an option to take this seminar as a beginning for a more extensive training in Transformational Coaching. The seminar will be held in English, but German, French and Danish will also be understood.

For more information, send an e-mail to me or Karine or Pernille! (Their e-mail-adresses are shown in the seminar announcement below).

At Dying Beds

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At dying beds I’ve experienced a lot of silence – which felt at times good, at times disturbing. Dying people will be almost always be in coma in their last hours (and, mostly, days). What hinders us from speaking with the dying?

  • As family members, we may be in a shock state, frozen or confused.
  • We may be insecure if they hear and understand us.
  • We may be insecure what is relevant and helpful for them.
  • We may feel insecure what the staff thinks of us if we behave unconventional.
But surely, if we find out what hinders us from speaking and acting, this can free us and widen the range of our possibilities, to the benefit of both ourselves and the patient.

Sometimes it’s extremely difficult to notice and interpret any nonverbal reactions of coma patients. In other cases we need to sharpen our senses. With no other body reactions left, often there are still reactions on our words, or on caressing, in the patients’ changing his of breath style and rhythm (unless on a breathing machine).
If we do find tiny nonverbal reactions or changes of the way of breathing, the questions are:

  • Does the patient show this behavior repeatedly (every time) when we bring up a certain topic or do something particular (or when a certain person is arriving or leaving or being mentioned)?
  • Do we rather see the reaction as one of stress or relief?

I would like to summarize a few things that I have learned from the Encounters I had with dying people.
1. Treat dying people as living people.                                                                              2. At a dying bed, get aware of what hinders you from acting and speaking free. Free yourself to get flexible.
3. Observe which tiny reactions (movements, mimics, breath) the dying person shows repeatedly on certain key words, persons, behavior. Are they reacions of stress, relief or interest? Which are the triggers?
4. Dying patients may be in coma, but they’re usually not deaf. Choose your words well. No catastrophic medical descriptions or burial talk.
5. Create rapport. Introduce yourself and tell your aim shortly. Use body contact, use your voice and breath pacing.
6. See a coma patient as someone who is already in trance. Create rapport. Interventions can start right away, without induction
7. The subconscious responds strongly to imagery. Speak in a dream language. Use metaphors, avoid abstract words.
8. Breath pacing and leading can regulate pain or breath problems (and can regulate breath down till it almost stops).
9. Breath, blood pressure and heart rate can also be regulated by metaphors (f. e. of a flying eagle, a pulsating jellyfish or a manta ray).
10. Speak about emotional content rather than about facts.
11. Express in metaphors or more directly that it is possible and good to let go – of live, of psychological problems of body problems.
12. Use metaphoric terms to speak about the good future.
13. Introduce thoughts like “You can love them from the other side”, “things will change, relations go on”.
14. Use negative terms only with a good reason. Except for pacing strong pain, don’t mention “pain” but “body sensations”. Teach this to the relatives.
15. People will rather die when they’re ready to go. What may help: Rituals, a bye-bye from family members, messages of “letting go”.

Letting Go of Life

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From my experience as a chaplain I see a lot of evidence that the ears of the dying are open till the last seconds. They may not be conscious. Maybe they’re like dreaming. But certainly they hear us and it makes a lot of difference what we say to them.
I remember being at the dying bed of a man. All the members of his family were assembled: His wife, his children and children in law, his brothers and sisters and grandchildren. Some of them were crying strongly. The man was breathing in short, quick, strong inhalations with long pauses between each breath and the next. I was wondering what he could understand of what was going on. He looked as if he were sleeping. Probably he was under a high dose of Morphine. I couldn’t detect any reaction in his face. When I prayed for him at the side of the dying bed I included a prayer that God may give both him and his family the ability of letting go while being aware of all the good that would rest with them. After the prayer there was a little silence. Then his daughter said: “Letting go is so hard. But I have heard that only when you let go of what you love it will really belong to you.” Then she looked over to her father and said: “He’s not breathing any more.” (Stefan Hammel, Loslassen und leben. Impress, Mainz 2016)

Luís

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Yo todavía era niño. Pero también si hubiera sido mayor, no habría podido decir como el carpa se hubiera explicado a si mismo su curioso viaje. Es que algunos amigos míos se habían permitido una jugarreta con él. De noche, clandestinamente lo habían sacado de su estanque con una red. Lo habían llevado en un cubo a través de bosques y campos por muchos kilómetros. La piscina en el jardín de mis padres debería ser su nuevo hogar. Tengo que admitir: No fue poco nuestro asombro cuando lo vimos nadando sus rondas en el agua. Me parece que fue en septiembre. Ya no se echaba cloro al agua, la temporada de nadar casi se había acabado. Entonces pez y ser humano ya no se hacían tanta competencia el uno al otro, y así Luís, como lo llamamos, podía quedarse allí por el momento. Vino el invierno y con él una espesa capa de hielo.
En la primavera, el agua fue cambiada. Como se puso en manifiesto , Luís había superado bien el invierno. El consejo familiar acordó devolverlo a su hogar. Otra vez Luís fue despachado en un cubo. Lo más grande que pudimos encontrar era un cubo ya inservible de pintura. Siguiendo caminos de bosque y de campo, nos fuimos para devolverlo a sus amigos y familiares. En el cubo, Luís dio sus vueltas, en círculos bastante pequeños, porque había crecido durante el invierno, y un viejo cubo de pintura no es una casa señorial para un carpa. Encima de eso, la mitad del agua se nos derramó a lo largo del camino. Pero finalmente llegamos. Con un empuje Luís acabó en su estanque para reencontrar sus viejos conocidos. Lo que hizo después fue muy sorprendente: Luís dio sus vueltas allí, pero lo hizo como que si no se encontrara en un estanque sino en un pequeño cubo, como antes. Trazó seis o siete círculos de un diámetro inferior a medio metro. Después los círculos se convirtieron en una espiral, estrecha al inicio y ampliándose más y más. Finalmente Luís comprendió donde se encontraba. En una larga línea se disparó fuera de su órbita de cubo.

(Por Stefan Hammel, traducción: Bettina Betz)

El cine a través del escaparate

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Llovía. No había clase. Como cada sábado por la mañana, ella estaba detrás del mostrador de cristal donde se exponían panecillos, pasteles y otros productos de panadería y de pastelería para la venta. A través del escaparate veía como el viento barría las hojas de los arboles revoloteándolas por la calle.
Delante de la tienda una mujer luchó con su paraguas. Encima, en el escaparate, había una inscripción con letras gruesas que decía: “Panadería Müller”, en escritura invertida, desde luego, para alguien que lo leyese desde adentro. Cuando ella estaba sola y no tenía que atender a clientes, le gustaba imaginarse que este escaparate fuera una pantalla de cine y que lo que veía detrás de él fuera solo una película.
En su fantasía entonces cambiaba la escena. Los coches se volvían en carruajes, las hojas en pájaros y, por ejemplo, esta mujer con el paraguas se convertía en su madre luchando contra un dragón furioso. Especialmente esta imagen le divertía mucho. Su madre, que lo entendía todo mal, que malinterpretaba sus palabras, que sabía convertir lo bueno en malo y lo malo en bueno, probablemente también hubiera podido superar un combate contra un dragón furioso o por lo menos hubiera conseguido un empate. Hasta el próximo combate.
La mujer con el paraguas había desaparecido hace tiempo. Ahora ella se imaginaba, pues, qué le gustaría escribir en el escaparate en lugar de la palabra aburrida: “Panadería Müller”. ¿Qué tal si fuera “eres importante para mí”, “de todas formas te quiero” o “me enojo contigo porque te quiero”? O quizás también: “Te enojo …”. Sonreía un poco pensando en esto. Se figuró el efecto que tuviera esta inscripción en la gran luna del escaparate. Toda la gente que pasara por la panadería podría leerla, también su madre. Ella se figuraba entonces la inscripción: “Eres importante para mí”. ¿Podría su madre finalmente entenderla entonces a ella? Se la imaginó parada delante del escaparate, frunciendo y meneando la cabeza. Entonces se le ocurrió la idea: “Tienes que colocar tus palabras en escritura invertida.”

(Por Stefan Hammel, traducción: Bettina Betz)

Snail and Vole

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A story by Katharina Lamprecht…

A vole watched a snail, which dipsy-doodled along a path and asked her: “Why do you crawl so arduously back and forth? Doing that it takes you much longer to get forward”. The snail sighed. “That’s true, but I always look on both sides of the path for something to eat. When I´m on the left side I keep thinking, that there might be better food on the right. When I´m on the right side I think the same and therefore go back to the left. I´m always afraid that I will overlook some yummy greens”. The vole understood perfectly. “I´ll help you. I´m a big taller than you are and walk in the middle of the path, that´s a good lookout. You can stay on the right side and in case I see something worth coming over to the left, I´ll let you know”. And in this way they went on. The vole saw many lush and juicy herbs on the left side, but it didn’t say a word. Because now, giving all her attention to just one side of the path, the snail found enough treats. After a while, as the snail discovered that she found enough to eat, she thanked the vole for the help and went on by herself. Just following her path.

Midsummer Night’s Dream

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Another beautiful story by Katharina Lamprecht…

One day, it was Midsummer and the Swedish days where as long as the dinner table for the king’s birthday. A wise old moose on his evening stroll met a young boy, sitting on a moss covered tree trunk, sobbing deeply. The old moose stopped and looked at the boy who did not notice him because of all his despair. Not until the moose nudged him with his soft muzzle did the boy raise his eyes. And just in front of him he saw the big brown eyes of the moose. He saw in those eyes all the stars in the heavens that he could not see before on this Midsummer night. So big, so deep and so endless the eyes seemed to be that he got the feeling he could just take a walk right into them. The stars where so beautiful, like jewels, iridescent and glittering in all colors he could imagine, scattered like the crumbles on grandma’s apple-pie, big ones and small ones, thick and thin ones, each of them meaningful and unique. At the sight of all those treasures the boy got the feeling he was surrounded by good friends, who bestowed upon him potency and love.

So they stood for a long time and looked at each other, the young boy and the old moose. Then the moose blew his warm and soft breath through the boy’s hair, turned around and faded into the forest. The boy looked after him for a long time, as if in trance, and only after a while did he discover that his infinite sadness had transformed. It was still there but all of a sudden there was also a happiness and cheerfulness. And he somehow felt that this had something to do with the stars he had seen in the fathomless eyes of the old moose.

He turned around and walked back home. And whistling happily away he kicked at the stones that laid on his way.

I’m like You

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A story by Katharina Lamprecht…

Listen to me, the water whispered, foamed, wooshed, how I hiss and sizzle, light and dull, quietly gurgling and loud and full. I am so many but you can see only one. I sing a whole opera but you just hear one voice. I change myself every second but I´m constantly the same. I give myself up any minute to find myself again at once.

Look at me, the water whispered, foamed, wooshed. I am like you.

El lobo de mar y el lobo de madriguera

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Antaño el lobo de mar recibió visita del lobo de madriguera. Ambos se conocían ya de la escuela de lobos. Después de terminar la escuela el lobo de mar había salido para recorrer medio mundo, había superado muchas aventuras y al final había regresado rico de tesoros y de vivencias.
El lobo de madriguera se había quedado en su propia cueva. Había encontrado a una loba de madriguera y habían tenido pequeños lobos de madriguera. Mientras tanto tenían muchos nietos y bisnietos de lobo y todos se habían hecho verdaderos, buenos lobos de madriguera.
“A veces deseo poder recomenzar mi vida”, dijo el lobo de madriguera al lobo de mar.
“A mí me pasa lo mismo”, contestó este.
“Haría de otra manera muchas cosas”, dijo el lobo de madriguera.
“Sí, yo también”, contestó el lobo de mar.
“Sería marino”, soñó el lobo de madriguera.
“Yo me casaría”, suspiró el lobo de mar.
“Superaría aventuras”, declaró el lobo de madriguera.
“Engendraría hijos de lobo”, constató el lobo de mar.
“Yo sería un lobo rico. Habría hecho experiencias malas y lindas de las que podría contar”, se apasionó el lobo de madriguera.
“Tendría nietos y bisnietos que me quisieran y que cuidaran de mi cuando me pusiera viejo y enfermo”, sostuvo el lobo de mar.
“Y ahora estaría sentado contigo en esta guarida de lobo de mar”, continuó el lobo de madriguera.
“… y yo contigo …”, le interrumpió el lobo de mar.
El lobo de madriguera confirmó: ”Y entonces me dirías ahora: ’A veces desearía que pudiera volver a vivir otra vez.’ Y yo contestaría: ‘Sí, a mi me pasa lo mismo’.”

(Por Stefan Hammel, traducción: Bettina Betz)

The Crooked Bird

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Another contribution by Katharina Lamprecht who will also be at the Festival in October…

Sometimes there is a little sparrow sitting on the clothesline in front of my kitchen window. I like to observe him, he is quite funny and quite different than the other birds. Somehow he always looks as if he was a little tipsy. He dithers a bit on the line and you can see that it takes an effort to keep his balance because he sticks out one leg and flaps his wings. He generally makes the impression of being quite dizzy. But it doesn’t seem to bother him at all, on the contrary, I get the feeling that he enjoys his slanting position very much.

A friend of mine, who is an ornithologist, said that this phenomenon goes by the name of “crooked bird”, common knowledge amongst experts. He explained, that there are indeed many birds, who love to frolic through storms and high winds. Back and forth, up and down, left and right they let themselves dash around by the wind until they don´t know anymore where they are, don´t know up from down or back from forth. And it is obvious that they have so much fun with it, that they keep the dizziness even when there is no wind at all. Just like the sparrow on my clothesline.

Scientists suspect that these crooked birds have a kind of inner anchor. Somewhere in their bodies has to be a place that gives them the needed security to be able to always find their way and relate to a stable, secure, safe and unshakeable point, no matter what. In this way they can relax, be calm and at ease, at least internally. They can feel straight and upright even if they have no orientation in the outer world. The scientists cannot determine where this inner anchor is but they are quite sure, it´s there. Perhaps one can compare it to the radar that bats use. This we can´t see either but there is no doubt it´s there.

“We don´t really know how all of this functions, but it has to be somehow like that”, my friend said and grinned. To be honest, I´m not quite sure if I can believe his story or if he wanted to pull my leg. But watching my little sparrow, reeling and rocking with obvious delight on my clothesline, I keep thinking that he surely must have such an inner anchor. Even if he has not the slightest idea, where it is or that it even exists. But it´s got to be in there somewhere, an area within him that gives him the absolute certainty to be safe and sound in all of these dizzying situations. An anchor that keeps him upright and gives him balance.

So seeing him on the line, I imagine that, the more he careens, the bigger and stronger the anchor in him gets and he is even more centered. With stormy winds outside and the feeling of security and safety inside, the little sparrow can enjoy his crookedness as much as he likes. And I wonder, where my inner anchor might be…